Happy When Happy Despite

Happy When Happy Despite

  

On my last birthday I made a massive discovery about myself: I have been postponing happiness for the most part of my life. I was the "happy when" type, the one who needed something to happen as a condition for her happiness. 

Over the years, I have deceived myself continuously by promising to be happy when I achieved something or reached a goal;  alas I  could never keep the promise because as soon I realized a goal, I would set another condition for happiness.

I will be Happy when I get married.

I will be happy when I get that job in the university.

I will be happy when I get my PhD.

I will be happy when the kids grow.

I will be happy when they graduate and get married.

I will be happy when I move to the new house.

I will be happy when I lose those five kilos.

I will be happy when I get my dream car.

And I was happy for all these things but only briefly because I had to hurry up and set a new goal and forget about the precious things I already have, take them for granted and assume I should have something else to aspire to.

Now that the realization struck me like a tornado, I tried to remember the last time when I was unconditionally happy, when I did not set a target.  To my surprise, I had to go so far back to the time when I was nine or ten! I saw myself playing on the beach with my sister and brother and some ten or twelve cousins. My parents, uncles and aunts were sitting under three overlapping umbrellas talking and laughing and eating as if there were no worries in their world.    

I tried to figure out the reasons  why I lost the "just feel happy for now" ability and decide the exact time I adopted " a happy when" attitude ? Is it something in my personality?   Is it a cultural heritage which allows us to be happy only when our family's pre-decided goals for us are achieved?  Is it an outdated educational system which stressed academic success as a condition for happiness and an end in itself? Or is it an inherent sense of guilt that stressed I  did not deserve happiness unless I do such and such and lashed me to do things fast and perfect?  Instead of coming up with a clear- cut answer, I made another discovery.  Whenever I caught myself feeling happy for one little thing or another, I always felt guilty for it!.  How can I be happy while a relative is sick? Or when my son is stressed because of a final exam?  Or a friend has  just lost her husband? The things to worry about or fret over are always abundant;  deep down I have that notion that as long as they exist I have no right to be happy.  So happiness itself becomes a crime, another reason to torture myself  for not being supportive or helpful or at least appreciative of other’s feelings.  So instead of seizing the opportunity to grab a moment of happiness, my automatic pilot would drag me down to the real world and my mind would shun the happiness urge and start to do its real business: spotting a problem and trying to solve it, quick. I have always found excuses and sat updates and deadlines that I never could meet to postpone happiness.

I also found out it is a cultural issue. In my country if you are with friends or family and a fit of laughter strikes for one reason or another, you will always find a sane person who volunteers to remind you that you have no right to be so happy! They will remind you that this very happy situation would definitely turn into a problem or a sad situation and warn you that your laughter might miraculously lead to tears!!   " Khair Allah homa eg3alo chair"  meaning may God not turn this situation into the opposite.  It is some kind of  supplication we always mention when we catch ourselves lost in laughter or a sudden fit of happiness, as we expect God is likely to punish us for feeling happy.  This, of course, has no religious- related grounds at all since we are always urged , as Moslems, to expect good things and rewards from Allah.

Why cannot we just replace" happy when" with "happy despite" attitudes. To be happy despite the pain, the traffic jams, the loss of a dear one, the failure to get the job. I am not in a position to tell you what to do to be happy. If there is one thing I know by now about happiness then I must tell you it is a  CHOICE .  Happiness is so subjective, relative and brief.  I simply do not  know about you. But I know that I can feel joyful with simple things, as simple as a cup of earl grey or raspberry tea by choosing to drink it mindfully, by a one day trip with my husband, by a bunch of lilies in a vase by my desk, by watching a Disney movie with my kids, or taking my daughter to a shopping mall. Happiness is short and elusive, so go grab one moment and always make the choice to be happy no matter what happens.

Loless Summer

If you are familiar with the blog, then you most probably know Lol,  my son and treasure Ali.  If you are not a frequent visitor here, let me tell you something about him.  Ali is not an ordinary 19th-year-old son; he is the apple of my eyes and the one person I trust with my life and feel totally comfortable depending on.  For his twin Nora and I, a day without Lol is an ugly one, let alone a whole summer without him. 

This summer, Ali decided to pursue an adventure in Africa. Despite my feverish attempts to make him change his mind, he won all the arguments.  He packed his bag and his twin Nora and went off to the farthest part of the dark continent, South Africa.  He could have travelled to Europe, like any young man would love to do, but he insisted. He had his mind settled on an educational  volunteer program in Eastern Cape.  For the first ten days or so, they had to stay in a camp where there was no electricity or running water and the weather was freezing. They had to ride daily to the school to get it ready for students. They painted the walls, fixed the roof and built a bicycle parking.  Nora, got bitten by a nasty insect and felt sick all the time, decided to come back. She could not take the harsh living conditions and I hoped Ali would do the same, but he did not.

On his own, it was time for Lol to rise and shine.  He taught math, physics, and English to students who were his age or older. Some of them were thirty and married with children. He made a wonderful impression on the students and staff and on other volunteers and made friends with some of them. He cooked them traditional Egyptian food and helped them bake bread, things he had never done at home.  When he completed the program, he decided to tour the country and visited some of the most spectacular places in Cape Town and Johannesburg.

Finlay, Lol is back home. He had the most wonderful summer and I had a terrible summer without him but he made me a very proud mother as he always did. It looks like I will have to spend many Loless summers since he is already planning his next summer trip.

Prayer by Abdalla Mohamed Ali

This is the first guest blog by Engineer Abdalla Mohamed Ali, my wonderful son, and I hope it won't be the last.  I actually sort of "stole" it from a Facebook post of his.  Welcome aboard Bodz.  

Prayer

 It is a time when you do not have to think about anything, you don't have to plan, stress, worry, regret, or sorrow. You are standing in front of the one and only creator and controller. It is a period of time when you can fantasy or ask for all you desire, or be grateful for all what you have. It is when you can simply step out of all physical or mental status, to reach a state of inner peace that reminds you that you can only control what you can, and the rest is already determined to be the best that could ever happen to you; because it is written by the One who gave you life. This is the  One who gave you the five senses you use to roam a vast and endless, sustainable, artistic, balanced, diverse, and perfectly constructed universe that you had no hand whatsoever in creating! The One who gave you a great tool, your mind,  a tool that enables you to be master of this universe, to survive with your fragile body the challenges of daily life varying from a simple one- celled virus capable of destroying you, to a great grizzly bear able to tear you apart with one strike of it's claws. The One who enabled you to handle all sorts of weather from a vast hot isolated desert, to the subzero temperatures of the north and south. He created you to conquer his universe and be superior to any other living being. Believing in a creator gives you the privilege of praying, rather than meditating. There's a thin line between both behaviors; when you meditate, you clear your head of all unnecessary thoughts, you really relax and enjoy the peace, surrender, and relaxation. In prayer you get the added value of relief; as you realize that you are in the driver's seat of your life, controlling your every move, but you also realize that the seat belt you have on, the life you are driving, and the route you are taking, are all designed by the only perfect engineer out there, the same engineer who provided us with this perfect endless universe to conquer.

Waiting

I lie down and wait, wait and wait, shifting my weight from one side to the other cautiously lest I should disturb it. Which side hurts more?  I cannot decide.  I make as little noise as possible;  I won't complain;  I won't even think about the pain. Try to befriend it… acknowledge it … it is not foreign to you, accept it as a part of who you are; don't rush it away;  stop hating it;  accept and embrace and befriend the damn thing or it won't go away.  I try to do all these things.   And wait.  I empty my head of all the things I want to do, I give up planning or it will spoil all my plans,  I ignore all the chores that are not done yet, I give up the ideas that stay at the threshold of my mind waiting to be processed, to be sent through the tender set of inflamed wires to my hand to write down, or to my fingers to type. I close my eyes.  I shut off life and wait, wait for the pain to go away.

Halt

For more than two decades,  I had my hands full with a family, a job, and a never ending ambition to move forward.... fast. I was the queen of multitasking, juggling two or three tasks at the same time. I did well, very well in most cases. The moment I finished a task, other ones popped out of nowhere and I hurried to do more. One "success" lead to anther, one step followed another. I was lucky to have a supportive husband and lovely kids. I was hardworking and determined and , in most cases, my efforts were appreciated. but to tell you the truth, I never had time to enjoy or feel those alleged successes. 

  Then there was a halt......................... A long one......... 

 I like to call it that, or a pause, but not a stop.  I still feel I can do more, but I have to do whatever I do more consciously, I want to be fully present through what is left of the journey. I don't want to function on automatic pilot like I did for years. I don't want to rush things;  I don't want to worry and fret over the trivial stuff;  I want to live while achieving things.  Wish me luck.

My treasure

My treasure

Edited by Beryl Belsky

               

I recently discovered a treasure I had had for 17 years without ever noticing it was there. Although it never left my side, I was too blind to recognize it until I experienced one of the worst times of my life. For 17 years my treasure grew; it blossomed little by little, slowly but steadily, and now I am enjoying it in its full glory. On my bleakest days, when I am too sick to move and too proud to ask for help, my treasure lays itself bare before me, offering fountains of pure love and sincere help, making itself available for the taking. It is surprising how it puts itself at my service, wholeheartedly, gracefully and lovingly, and the manner in which it does makes me feel stronger, despite my fragility, proud, despite the humility of needing others, happy even in my misery.

Ali is my treasure, my pride and joy, my man and son and friend.  Thank you, Ali, for being who you are; thank you Allah for my treasure: the sweetest, kindest and most graceful human being I have ever known in my life. May Allah keep you safe, sound, happy and loving foreve